We have three main flavours on offer at election time – all saccharine, bitter-tasting and guaranteed to leave a nasty aftertaste.
New Labour Cola
This is marketed as dependable, traditional and in touch with ordinary people. When Labour Cola it was launched 100 years ago, it was bottled by the trade unions, to give a different taste to the other drinks on offer – the Tories and the Liberals, which were strictly for the middle classes. However, Kinnock got hold of Thatcher’s recipe for Tory Pepsi and shamelessly ripped it off. Since then drinkers have commented that it lacks the bite of the original recipe as it has been watered-down. When the new recipe was tried out on a large scale across the country, the result was promising at first, as people thought it couldn’t possibly taste as bad as Tory Pepsi but after the novelty wore off, they soon realised that it left a horrible, saccharine aftertaste. Blair and Brown have stuck rigidly to the “New” recipe ever since, despite it becoming increasingly unpopular.
Enjoyed by the rich, who invest in huge private stores of the stuff. This is an expensive tipple, which promises much but ultimately fails miserably to deliver. Prolonged drinking leaves you soulless and greedy for more. Those who haven’t tried it before may be attracted by the glossy advertising, but in blind taste tests, people were disappointed to find that it tasted exactly the same as New Labour Cola.
The perennial third-placed drink on the market, it has never taken off. It is wishy-washy in flavour, and people are never sure exactly what it is supposed to taste like. Although it is marketed as being made with real lemons, it tastes like lemon substitute and in practice it rots your teeth just as effectively as New Labour Cola or Tory Pepsi. Pretty revolting by all accounts.
So what is the answer?
In 1906, with the launch of Labour Cola, the unions decided that working people needed a drink of their own. They promised to make a flavour that people actually enjoyed rather than one which was cheap to make and produced lots of profit. Now the bottling plant has been closed, the factory sold off and workers have lost their jobs. The only thing on offer is three shameless interpretations of the same horrible brew.
We need a new drink – a drink that is satisfying and good for you. One that lives up to its promises and won’t let you down. A draught that is refreshingly different, which has been formulated to meet the needs of ordinary people. A drink made by the trade unions, who are in touch with what people want from a beverage. If people are unhappy with the drink, they should be able to pass comments on to quality control and change the formula. Those who are in charge of the factory should not be careerists, who are only out for themselves. Their objective should be only to refresh those who voted for them.
We need a new party to represent ordinary drinkers. Join the campaign for a new workers’ party today.