The Poetry Ombudsman

If your composition’s causing you much complaint,
If it’s supposed to be a villanelle, but a villanelle it aint,
Don’t get vexed or frustrated, just show some restraint
Call the Poetry Ombudsman – our fees won’t make you faint.

If your poems have got rather neglected
If they are continually being rejected
If your lines need to be injected
With originality, charm and wit.
Then it is time to get them inspected
The Ombudsman will look into it.

For advice on inflexion
Just book an inspection
For a thorough dissection
Of metre and verse.
Poetry polished to perfection
Never flabby, limp or terse.

If your stanzas are sagging
And your rhythm is lagging
Your scansion keeps snagging
And you can’t think of a rhyme
Don’t let time go on dragging
The Ombudsman – for words which chime!

We will study every foot, not a syllable will be spared
No more literary worries, to make you go grey-haired.
Your stresses will be even, lines beautifully prepared
The Ombudsman won’t rest until every word is repaired.

From slam, to sestina, from haiku to sonnet
Give us a try, we’ll get straight on it.
So visit your local poetry showroom!
Ideas will sprout in your head like mushrooms
Similes will fly from your pen like butterflies
Your poems will soar and flutter by.

Publishers will be rushing to see your manuscript
Fame and fortune await – we can get you equipped
With a ready-made, instant, poetry writing kit.

 

All poetry must be practised with due care and supervision. Any promises made in this poem are subject to the discretion of the reader, poetic licence and the whim of the reviewer. While we promise fame and fortune, no mention is made of the amount of fame and / or fortune which may ensue.

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